Have you ever been pinned to the wall at a party by a person (usually female) who claims that they can tell you what sign of the zodiac you were born under - just by looking at you?

"Ah, you're a Taurus! Am I right? Eh? Eh?" They always seem to think I'm a Taurus anyway. Perhaps it's the ring through my nose!!

Leaving the astrological mumbo jumbo aside, did you know that it's possible to tell which computer a person owns from one fleeting glance? Here are the signs to look for...

Spectrum owners are easy to spot. They're usually young lads of about ten or eleven who have had their feet amputated and replaced with spring loaded skate boots. They roll and bounce around shopping centres with blank expressions on their faces chanting, "Meg-UUUU!" and "Cowabung-UUUU" and lots of other things ending in "-UUUU"! The C64 owners, on the other hand, are hard to find...especially those with disk drives. You see, software for this machine can take up to fourteen hours to load so they don't have much time to go out anywhere!

In order to see a whole tribe of Atari ST and Amiga owners, just pay a visit to your local branch of WHSmith! They'll be the gang of 'Cool Dudes' at the magazine rack, getting in everyone's way and drooling over the software ads in 'Amiga-' or 'ST-Action'! They only stop drooling in order to sneer. Amiga owners sneer at ST owners and vice-versa. But their biggest and most withering sneer will be aimed at you when you say "Excuse me" and reach between them for a copy of The Micro User!!

Why do 16-bit owners spend so long in newsagent's shops? Well, with software for these machine costing at least £20.00 a time, they can't afford to buy magazines as well!!

So, where do Electron owners come in all this? An Elk owner will always stand out in a crowd as the intelligent, witty, charming, good-looking person that everyone likes. Or in my case, the bloke with a ring through his nose, pinned to the wall at parties...!

Will Watts, EUG #0