House - It's Quite Good Really is the very cream of PD adventures: brimming with humour and featuring some bizarre uses for objects. By following this solution without prior experimentation, you risk missing a variety of amusing endings but will quickly appreciate how much has been squeezed in - despite the limited parser.
E, E, N, E, N, W, W, GET GOLD, E, E, E, S, S, E, E, GET FAGS, W, W, W, W, S, GIVE FAGS TO DOT, N, E, E, E, S, S, S, W, W, UP, UP, UP, UP, SCREAM, JUMP, E, ENTER TRAIN, S, S, GIVE BUTTERFLY TO INSECTCOLLECTOLOGIST, S, S, E, E, GIVE BEER TO TERRY, LOOK, GET SANDWICH, W, W, N, N, N, N, ENTER TRAIN, N, N, N, E, GIVE SANDWICH TO PLUMBER, LOOK, GET BUCKET, W, W, W, W, W, N (You will sadistically kill the guinea-pig), S, E, E, E, E, S, S, S, W, GIVE BUCKET TO VAMPIRE, E, ENTER TRAIN, S, S, S, S, S, E, GIVE HAMMER TO SADDAM, GET SADDAM, W, N, N, GIVE SADDAM TO KURDS, N, N, N, ENTER TRAIN, N, E, S, GIVE WHISKY TO MAGGIE, N, W, N, N, N, N, GIVE PETROL TO JOHN, S, S, S, S, S, ENTER TRAIN, PUT PARCEL ON TRAIN, GET TICKET, GIVE GOLD TO POLICEMAN, W, N, ENTER TRAIN, N, N, N, E, N, N, N, S, S, S, W, W, W, W, W, W.And that's it! Unless of course, you're playing a bugged version - and there only seems to be one system you can be 100% sure won't crash - the good old Acorn Electron! See EUG #52 and EUG #53 for why!