its criminal wot they get up to!

Dodgy Geezers in the latest 'real life adventure' from Trevor Lever and Peter Jones, authors of Hampstead and Terrormolinos, and writers and performers of the diabolical Dodgy Geezers song on the flip side of the tape. At least the lyrics may give you some useful tips...

'Ullo. Do I know you? Just checkin'

The thing about Dodgy Geezers is this: there's a caper in the offing. Well, I mean, when isn't there? But this one's a bit special. Let me explain...

You've been, er, away for a while, as we say around here. For those who don't know, that means you've been doing a stretch in one of Her Majesty's establishments for the last three years. It was only going to be two, but they added a year for bad behaviour. That's the sort of person you are, to be honest. Or not.

It was the Long Ditton Spaghetti Caper which caused you to slip up. In fact you were done up like a kipper. Someone grassed. Anyhow, now you're back with us, I expect you'll be on the lookout for a bit of business...?

Course you will.

I can't say too much. But what I want to know is this: who's that geezer with the white Gucci shoes who's been hanging around a lot lately?

Bullet proof George came out the same day as you, I notice. How is he? Not much in the way of grey matter, but a heart of gold. He means well. I expect you're wondering about your other old mates, and all. Well, Little Ken - bless him - he's still around, doing the odd bit of cat burglary. I don't know what he does with all them cats.

Then there's High-Score, or Mr Video, or whatever he calls himself. He's what I call a shady character, and believe me I've known plenty in my time. He's from somewhere in Africa, very well educated. Not like old Cracker. Now there's a bloke who's one of the old school - I don't mean old school tie. Give him a detonator and some cable and he'll blow your own front door off its hinges.

Have you seen Tweedle at all? Old Tweedle Dee? Saw him down the dog track the other day. He put a poodle on the 3.45, split a seven both ways, and the bleeder come back up. I ask you! Tricks wasn't pleased. He's just started working for Soapy. Oh, didn't you hear? Soapy's latest little racket is the Le Mans 24-Hour Car Company. Not one of his better cons. The first thing he does is hire Tricks as a driver - a bloke with so many motoring convictions, he shouldn't be let near a car. I mean, a steering wheel's an offensive weapon in his hands.

Talking of which (and I can't really, but just do you know...) you'll probably need a few tools of the trade. You'll have to find them yourself. I don't know what you might need.

What's that? What's the caper? Blimey O'Reilly, you don't half give me gyp sometimes. You don't think I'd tell you, surely? You'll have to find out for yourself! Let me just put his quiet word in your shell-like: you've got a chance to square it with the geezer what grassed on you. Especially now he's got that highly respectable job...sitting there surrounded by all that dosh. I go faint just thinking about it.

I've said too much already. Must be off.

Come again? Who can you trust? Out of that lot? You must be off your trolley! None of them! But to put it another way, if you put your mind to it, there's the making of a crack team there. It's just a question of keeping your eyes and ears open, putting the right geezers on the slate, and way you go.

Go where? You're a bit previous, aren't you? Not many.

Be lucky!

When the program is fully loaded, some instructions will appear. Read them carefully. Then...

You will find yourself in a prison cell. It is your day of release, however, and outside the world of crime awaits you. Since you are a professional criminal, it should be quite obvious that you must find yourself a crime to commit, and a gang to help you commit it.

But what is the most brilliant caper you can devise? There are people around who know certain facts, but it's up to you to put all the information together and come up with a plan. The more information you can gather by ducking and diving around the murky streets, the more your fellow villains will respect you, and regard you as their leader.

To get moving, use the usual compass directions N, S, E, W, NE, NW, SE, SW as well as UP and DOWN (U and D).

Apart from movements, most of your commands will be in the form of VERB NOUN. For example, since you will need to pick things up and put them down, you will want to type in such commands as GET MATCHES and DROP MATCHES. If you want to take a closer look around your location, SEARCH WAREHOUSE/BETTING SHOP/JETTY or wherever you happen to be. Similarly with objects, EXAMINE POSTER/PICKAXE/BOOK.

If you want to wait where you are for something to happen, the command is HANG ABOUT. To wait for several turns, add a number to the end of the command, as in HANG ABOUT 3.

Several commands can be typed in on one line by separating them with AND or THEN or a comma.

The computer remembers the last object referrred to, and you can call it IT in future commands.

In Dodgy Geezers, you can also learn something about the various unsavoury characters you will meet. To help you, the authors have included the criminal record, if any, of each character, which will give you an idea of their particular inclinations and skills.

Other useful commands are I for INVENTORY, ie what you have with you; R for RE-DESCRIBE, in case you've forgotten where you are and what objects are visible; QUIT, when you've done enough lurking, plotting and sneaking about for one day; and SAVE/LOAD to enable you to save the adventure up to the point you've reached and resume later. Check your computer manual for instructions.

So brilliantly complex is Dodgy Geezers that the authors have divided it into two. If you can successfully assemble a gang, you will be given a password which will enable you to LOAD the second part of the adventure. Incidentally, this ISN'T the password you will have to use earlier on!

It is impossible to get into Part Two until you have picked your gang. At that point you will be given full instructions on what to do next - at least, as far as LOADing is concerned. As for actually committing your crime, that's up to you...The Part Two program follows directly after the Part One program on side A of the tape.

There's no scoring system in Dodgy Geezers. Either you succeed or you fail. Life's like that, isn't it?